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Sometimes you just have to write things out… (or in the words of Monty Python – Life’s a pile of Shit)

Well this week has been a bit crap.

Disappointingly it’s only Monday.

But I get this sometimes when I sink into self pity and a general mire of ‘woe’ because one or two things happen which push things slightly over the precipice of complete shitness.

Don’t worry I will be fine – I always am – but it’s times like these that I have to take a deep breath and refocus.

You may have similar moments where things are simply ‘unfair’ it feels like everywhere you turn someone or something is out to get you.

What I want to do is stamp my feet, shout, scream, be HEARD, tell everyone this is UNFAIR!

I really, really want to do this, but I know that I can’t.

You see there are so many people worse off than me, it makes me feel like a petulant child. Except I’m not. I’m an intelligent, grown woman.

It’s a constant battle to take that deep breath, to count my blessings (I used to hate it when people told me that, what do they know about what I’ve gone through!!) but it does help.

Yes things aren’t always easy, but I’ve never gone hungry and it’s been many years since I was without a roof over my head – and in fairness that was only for a few days because I was too proud to go home.

So what is my problem?????

The answer is: I keep on picking myself up, and picking myself up, and picking myself up and it’s getting tiring… no jokes about weight here!

Sometimes it’s tough when from the outside and at base level I have nothing to complain about.

Except I FEEL broken.

I am blessed with so many talents which I love to share but I’m always on the outside, totally my own fault as I don’t feel comfortable around people, I know they don’t bite (well mostly) and I’m a naturally outgoing person on my outgoing side…

I’m totally rambling now!!

Deep breath.

The best thing I can do is take care of myself, take time to breathe…

I’m going to recognise the things I can’t change and write them down, put them in an envelope marked ‘later’ and file them. (It may be a large envelope)

Next i’m going to phone my kids to tell them how proud I am of them – again don’t worry this is me making sure my wonderful children know that they are valued not a suicide call!!!!

I’m then going to walk my gorgeous dog and take note of the things around me, the way the light catches on the ocean, the shapes the shadows from the trees make… I love nature it is so beautiful and asks for nothing in return.

I’m going to prioritise time with my wonderful husband – he may not appreciate this but it’s happening anyway!

Then I am going to paint (I admit I love painting and there’s an unashamed link to my art website on my painting!),



knit,

and create things that I can give to others…

Recharge my soul for a day or two.

Pick myself up.

Assess my situation and if there’s something I don’t like, take measured steps to change it, whilst acknowledging that change doesn’t happen overnight. I’m not naturally patient so this is the difficult bit.

Step one…

Breathe.

The sun will set, the moon will shine and the sun will rise again.

In more words of Monty Python…

Always look on the Bright Side of Life, de do dedo dedo dedo

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Self sabotage

I wanted to share a few things and I’ve tried to write them down and basically failed – I ran the past iterations past my wonderful husband who said they were ‘ok’ but not quite ‘right’… which is a kind way of saying they were sh1t.

I totally agreed – they weren’t in my ‘style‘ I was being too serious and it all got a bit depressing if I’m honest.

I naturally did the sensible thing and deleted the drafts and all associated photos etc. – thankfully my wonderful husband automatically backs up everything we do on some whizzo system so I didn’t lose the photos completely (apparently I do this regularly, I begged to differ however he is of course completely correct).

The thing is I really want to share a few things…

I want to share about the fact I have been diagnosed with Primary Lymphoedema – I didn’t even know this condition existed let alone the fact that I’ve been living with it for the past 20+ years! I just thought I had swollen sore ankles and legs because I was fat. I never felt comfortable in dresses and regularly joked that I had ‘elephantitis’ of the feet – ironically stage 3 Lymphoedema is exactly that!!!

My mind by the end of this thought had already latched on to the fact that I’m not fat – well technically I do have an overweight BMI… but seriously when I was in the ‘healthy’ bracket I looked awful and I was completely miserable!

But I have always had a ‘body image’ issue – when I look at myself I see someone at least three sizes bigger looking back at me and I don’t know why.

I’m not horrendous – at least I don’t think I am – so why do I see myself differently?

It affects all sorts of things, I literally think anyone who tells me I’m beautiful is a complete nut job who probably needs a long overdue trip to the opticians!

Subsequently my past choice in partners has been a bit ‘iffy’ – obviously I have moved on from this and my wonderful husband is just that (although I have actively discouraged any trips to the opticians just in case).

I also have a belief that I’m a bit stupid (being slightly dyslexic and ambidextrous didn’t help in school as the teachers simply didn’t know how to classify me – it really is ironic that they give those names to conditions that an ordinary person would struggle to spell!!), I have total squirrel syndrome which is also unhelpful (my wonderful husband has pointed out that not everyone may know what ‘squirrel syndrome’ is – it is where something moving catches the corner of your eye, a bit like seeing a squirrel in the garden when you’re in mid flow and you find yourself talking about nuts instead of tea) – but at the same time it is totally awesome as I love to learn all sorts of things, however sticking at them is tricky as something else catches my eye…

So all in all it turns out I’m a bit of a basket case…

I also seem to have lost my thread. Again. At least some things are predictable!!

The point, I think, is that all this has been holding me back – I don’t believe people who say nice things, I don’t believe in my own abilities because I’m constantly sabotaging my own potential!!

I mean seriously how stupid is a that!!!!

In order to try and see how stupid I was I took an IQ test – turns out I’m not that stupid (I took four different ones just in case the first one was out to flatter people – they were all in the same ball park).

I like to collect external validation, not content to love knitting I’ve started a master knitter course, not content to paint I entered exhibitions (I won the best domesticated animal category in the Association of Animal Artists annual exhibition in 2014), not content just to be a certified coach I am now a master coach – the list goes on…

Do I believe I’m ‘good enough’?

No

Am I getting better?

Yes, slowly

I feel that now my Lymphoedema has been diagnosed I can move forward – it proves that my self belief was not correct, something can be done to change it, I’m now in compression garments and I have actual ankles!! I’ve been totally obsessed with other peoples ankles for years!! I was forever looking at larger ladies and being completely and utterly envious of their skinny ankles… I can now buy a pair of cowboy boots!! I don’t think the medical staff have come across someone quite so excited at the thought of wearing compression garments for the rest of their lives…

I’m also contemplating seeing if I can influence the makers of the garments to design some fun patterns – a fishnet pattern in purple with sparkles would be totally awesome!