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Self sabotage

I wanted to share a few things and I’ve tried to write them down and basically failed – I ran the past iterations past my wonderful husband who said they were ‘ok’ but not quite ‘right’… which is a kind way of saying they were sh1t.

I totally agreed – they weren’t in my ‘style‘ I was being too serious and it all got a bit depressing if I’m honest.

I naturally did the sensible thing and deleted the drafts and all associated photos etc. – thankfully my wonderful husband automatically backs up everything we do on some whizzo system so I didn’t lose the photos completely (apparently I do this regularly, I begged to differ however he is of course completely correct).

The thing is I really want to share a few things…

I want to share about the fact I have been diagnosed with Primary Lymphoedema – I didn’t even know this condition existed let alone the fact that I’ve been living with it for the past 20+ years! I just thought I had swollen sore ankles and legs because I was fat. I never felt comfortable in dresses and regularly joked that I had ‘elephantitis’ of the feet – ironically stage 3 Lymphoedema is exactly that!!!

My mind by the end of this thought had already latched on to the fact that I’m not fat – well technically I do have an overweight BMI… but seriously when I was in the ‘healthy’ bracket I looked awful and I was completely miserable!

But I have always had a ‘body image’ issue – when I look at myself I see someone at least three sizes bigger looking back at me and I don’t know why.

I’m not horrendous – at least I don’t think I am – so why do I see myself differently?

It affects all sorts of things, I literally think anyone who tells me I’m beautiful is a complete nut job who probably needs a long overdue trip to the opticians!

Subsequently my past choice in partners has been a bit ‘iffy’ – obviously I have moved on from this and my wonderful husband is just that (although I have actively discouraged any trips to the opticians just in case).

I also have a belief that I’m a bit stupid (being slightly dyslexic and ambidextrous didn’t help in school as the teachers simply didn’t know how to classify me – it really is ironic that they give those names to conditions that an ordinary person would struggle to spell!!), I have total squirrel syndrome which is also unhelpful (my wonderful husband has pointed out that not everyone may know what ‘squirrel syndrome’ is – it is where something moving catches the corner of your eye, a bit like seeing a squirrel in the garden when you’re in mid flow and you find yourself talking about nuts instead of tea) – but at the same time it is totally awesome as I love to learn all sorts of things, however sticking at them is tricky as something else catches my eye…

So all in all it turns out I’m a bit of a basket case…

I also seem to have lost my thread. Again. At least some things are predictable!!

The point, I think, is that all this has been holding me back – I don’t believe people who say nice things, I don’t believe in my own abilities because I’m constantly sabotaging my own potential!!

I mean seriously how stupid is a that!!!!

In order to try and see how stupid I was I took an IQ test – turns out I’m not that stupid (I took four different ones just in case the first one was out to flatter people – they were all in the same ball park).

I like to collect external validation, not content to love knitting I’ve started a master knitter course, not content to paint I entered exhibitions (I won the best domesticated animal category in the Association of Animal Artists annual exhibition in 2014), not content just to be a certified coach I am now a master coach – the list goes on…

Do I believe I’m ‘good enough’?

No

Am I getting better?

Yes, slowly

I feel that now my Lymphoedema has been diagnosed I can move forward – it proves that my self belief was not correct, something can be done to change it, I’m now in compression garments and I have actual ankles!! I’ve been totally obsessed with other peoples ankles for years!! I was forever looking at larger ladies and being completely and utterly envious of their skinny ankles… I can now buy a pair of cowboy boots!! I don’t think the medical staff have come across someone quite so excited at the thought of wearing compression garments for the rest of their lives…

I’m also contemplating seeing if I can influence the makers of the garments to design some fun patterns – a fishnet pattern in purple with sparkles would be totally awesome!

Exciting Stuff

Old Times and New Starts

It’s been ssssooooo long since I last blogged – this has turned out to be a long one but bare with, I do occasionally take a breath!

I had intended, now that I’ve finished Body Boss and developed a more ‘standard’ exercise regime – ok I admit, my husband and I now go to a personal trainer once a week, possibly not ‘ standard’ per se… but it is great for accountability and to be honest compared to a gym membership which would only be used for the first few months (there is no point in denying it) it is actually good value for money – there’s nothing like having someone being disappointed in you to get you doing at least three of their quick workouts a week!!! We get to learn all sorts of techniques which makes it easier to work out – basically you don’t realise you’re doing it, we can now do a Turkish Get Up WITH a kettlebell! Although I do always worry when he starts smiling at the start of the session…

Sorry, back to the sentence start… I had intended to Blog more regularly about ‘stuff’.

There have been several things that have sidetracked me, work, setting up a coaching business, being one of a team setting up a menu planning site for people with allergies/ dietary restrictions, my art business and, basically, life.

It also is tricky when you know you should ‘niche’ down to a specific audience, that’s great if you have one passion, but what if you have more?

What if you are an avid health person (currently working with kettlebells and trying a Keto Diet, which is quite easy when you’re gluten intolerant!), a passionate artist, an obsessive knitter (there’s a whole series just in that!), an old time actress (currently retired from the Flea Circus but will return on my return to the UK!) and wannabe comedienne – and that’s not counting the business side?? It gets tricky…

However this week I learnt that an old friend had passed away suddenly, she was only a year or so older than me, and although we hadn’t spoken for a number of years it really hit home. She was way too young. I remembered all the amazing times we had as a group – we were pretty wild back then, ok looking back if my daughter got up to half the things we were doing she’d be grounded until she was at least thirty, possibly older. It crossed my mind how we all survived it! But then we didn’t all survive it three of the group have passed away and two went into rehab… wellness awareness wasn’t a ‘thing’, we were living on the edge with little to no safety net…

I was always the one with a story, usually funny, usually something I’d done that had gone horribly wrong but somehow worked out ok, I’ve always loved telling stories, I love blogging (hard to imagine given how long it’s been!!).

It made me think how quickly time passes, I wanted to go on stage, I did for a bit but then I needed to pay rent etc., I became sensible (I quite like who I am) and now I’m too old being the wrong side of 45 (wrong side of 21 in my head!) and although I still have curves they’re now in the wrong places… My wonderful husband has pointed out that he disagrees with this statement, he may get banned from proof reading, but I do love that he believes that 🙂 I have also recently been diagnosed with primary Lymphoedema – I am overwhelmed to have this diagnosis, it is the biggest relief in ages!!! I literally cried!!! My doctor in the UK had told me that I had swollen ankles and legs (which hurt!) because I was F.A.T., honestly she actually said the letters rather than just saying I was fat, I was a UK size 14 at the time, it did nothing for my self esteem and although I never let it stop me, I’ve not felt comfortable in a dress for about 17 years and spent loads on water retention tablets which did nothing!! I honestly thought ankle bones were a myth… Thanks to my wonderful husband I now have unicorn slippers to fit over my bandages which are on for a few weeks whilst I undergo drainage therapy – Nya thinks they’re her new toy.

Sorry rambling again…

I really ought to stick to the point, but that is the point, what if you have more sides than a dodecahedron and just want to make people smile?

My wonderful husband has suggested a YouTube channel for my ‘monologues’, I was going to ask him what he meant but then realised he meant our conversations… He said he’d film it…

On plus side which is slightly of topic (you can decide which topic) I can now do a headstand – it’s taken over a year of trying, one of my BodyBoss posts has my first attempt! Please excuse the PJ’s nothing else fits over the bandages… and also my stomach, I couldn’t keep my top tucked in – I have stretch marks and I’m rather proud of them 🙂

Attempt number one 2017 – note, close to the wall and held for approximately half a nanosecond:

Attempt today (2018) – note, no where near a wall and held for about a minute while my wonderful husband phaffed!!!:

I think my original thing was to say I’m back, I may also be on a YouTube channel… If there is anything you’d like me to attempt to stay on subject for, let me know!