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Self sabotage

I wanted to share a few things and I’ve tried to write them down and basically failed – I ran the past iterations past my wonderful husband who said they were ‘ok’ but not quite ‘right’… which is a kind way of saying they were sh1t.

I totally agreed – they weren’t in my ‘style‘ I was being too serious and it all got a bit depressing if I’m honest.

I naturally did the sensible thing and deleted the drafts and all associated photos etc. – thankfully my wonderful husband automatically backs up everything we do on some whizzo system so I didn’t lose the photos completely (apparently I do this regularly, I begged to differ however he is of course completely correct).

The thing is I really want to share a few things…

I want to share about the fact I have been diagnosed with Primary Lymphoedema – I didn’t even know this condition existed let alone the fact that I’ve been living with it for the past 20+ years! I just thought I had swollen sore ankles and legs because I was fat. I never felt comfortable in dresses and regularly joked that I had ‘elephantitis’ of the feet – ironically stage 3 Lymphoedema is exactly that!!!

My mind by the end of this thought had already latched on to the fact that I’m not fat – well technically I do have an overweight BMI… but seriously when I was in the ‘healthy’ bracket I looked awful and I was completely miserable!

But I have always had a ‘body image’ issue – when I look at myself I see someone at least three sizes bigger looking back at me and I don’t know why.

I’m not horrendous – at least I don’t think I am – so why do I see myself differently?

It affects all sorts of things, I literally think anyone who tells me I’m beautiful is a complete nut job who probably needs a long overdue trip to the opticians!

Subsequently my past choice in partners has been a bit ‘iffy’ – obviously I have moved on from this and my wonderful husband is just that (although I have actively discouraged any trips to the opticians just in case).

I also have a belief that I’m a bit stupid (being slightly dyslexic and ambidextrous didn’t help in school as the teachers simply didn’t know how to classify me – it really is ironic that they give those names to conditions that an ordinary person would struggle to spell!!), I have total squirrel syndrome which is also unhelpful (my wonderful husband has pointed out that not everyone may know what ‘squirrel syndrome’ is – it is where something moving catches the corner of your eye, a bit like seeing a squirrel in the garden when you’re in mid flow and you find yourself talking about nuts instead of tea) – but at the same time it is totally awesome as I love to learn all sorts of things, however sticking at them is tricky as something else catches my eye…

So all in all it turns out I’m a bit of a basket case…

I also seem to have lost my thread. Again. At least some things are predictable!!

The point, I think, is that all this has been holding me back – I don’t believe people who say nice things, I don’t believe in my own abilities because I’m constantly sabotaging my own potential!!

I mean seriously how stupid is a that!!!!

In order to try and see how stupid I was I took an IQ test – turns out I’m not that stupid (I took four different ones just in case the first one was out to flatter people – they were all in the same ball park).

I like to collect external validation, not content to love knitting I’ve started a master knitter course, not content to paint I entered exhibitions (I won the best domesticated animal category in the Association of Animal Artists annual exhibition in 2014), not content just to be a certified coach I am now a master coach – the list goes on…

Do I believe I’m ‘good enough’?

No

Am I getting better?

Yes, slowly

I feel that now my Lymphoedema has been diagnosed I can move forward – it proves that my self belief was not correct, something can be done to change it, I’m now in compression garments and I have actual ankles!! I’ve been totally obsessed with other peoples ankles for years!! I was forever looking at larger ladies and being completely and utterly envious of their skinny ankles… I can now buy a pair of cowboy boots!! I don’t think the medical staff have come across someone quite so excited at the thought of wearing compression garments for the rest of their lives…

I’m also contemplating seeing if I can influence the makers of the garments to design some fun patterns – a fishnet pattern in purple with sparkles would be totally awesome!

2 thoughts on “Self sabotage

  1. Great article Su. I was diagnosed with primary lymph 17 months ago at 57 having suffered since my early twenties. My self confidence was at rock bottom as I had tried for so long to get a referral but was always turned down. A weird set of other medical circumstances meant u finally both the diagnosis and now I have great lymph support from my local hospice. My ankles aren’t as trimxas yours but I have now got some leg definition and I feel ace. We need to shout loud about this. I see loads of younger women who don’t need to go through what I did but are undiagnosed. Thanjs for the article. Its great to hear from someone in my position. All best Fran

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so glad you finally got diagnosed and are receiving lymph support. I agree too little is know about primary lymphedema – my GP told me it was fluid retention due to being fat!! I had never heard of the condition until i moved to the States and had my veins and then lymph system checked. I’ve seen amazing results from complete drainage therapy which was two weeks of daily massage and bandaging, I’m now in compression garments and it is such a relief! I actually wore a dress to my works Christmas party for the first time in years 🙂 I will continue to blog about how i manage the condition but i also want to educate the GP’s in the UK once i get back as it may not be a life threatening condition but it is life limiting and the mental effects are far greater than having sore legs every day! Best wishes and let me know if there is anything you’d like me to focus on – i don’t know anyone else with Primary Lymphedema and i know there must be plenty! Su

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